I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
