my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
