wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
i've created a new STD.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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