so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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