I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
