The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
