I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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