My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
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