Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
