end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Is Oprah even human
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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