Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
So here I am, sexting at work.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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