so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.