the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
