i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
