dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
