How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
