I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
