Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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