If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
