I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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