Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I love you. Go after that dick
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
