I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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