i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
it hurts more in the daytime
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
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I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i dont even know how to be here
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
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Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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