I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
