I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
