I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
