Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Randomize
