worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
it's like heaven, but drunker
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
