I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
