My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
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