i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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