I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
