so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
