why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
