I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
