Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
