I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Randomize
