im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
