i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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