Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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