M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
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Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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