I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
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No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
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There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY