I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
