i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
