you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
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We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
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Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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