Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
