nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
