I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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