she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I would fuck him just for his dog
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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