That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
