hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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