I swear god or herbie drove my car home
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
